Prometheus and Friends, Unbound
© Linda Lockett Eisele 2003
Moderator: Ladies and Gentlemen, we have come to the moment
you have all been waiting for: the grand finale of the two thousand five hundred and sixty-third annual Most Beautiful
Woman/Most Beautiful Clothes Contest. Our four finalists, Hercules in his/her
current-day incarnation, Ms./Mr. Arnold Schwarzennegger, Prometheus in his/her incarnation, Dustin Hoffmann, your very own
(and Zeus') modern-day Leda, a.k.a. Jessica Lang, and everybody's favorite Pandora, Britney Spears. In just a few moments, we will welcome on stage our four finalists, but before that, Ladies and Gentlemen,
we have a special treat for you. Unbeknownst to our finalists, we have hidden
a camera in their dressing room. We are going to take you backstage now and let
you have a little peek. Shhh.
Hercules-Arni: You vould not believe vhat
dat jerk King Eurystheus has asked me to do dis time.
Leda-Jessica: More hunting trips? I just love that Nemean
Lion pelt you brought back from your first labor. Be a darling. Do sell it to me.
Herc: No way. It is impenetrable. And besides, it matches my eyes.
Prometheus-Dustin: So what does he want you
Herc: Clean all the horseshit out
of King Augeas stables.
Pandora-Britney: Egit. Housework.
Prometheus. Next thing you know, he will
be asking you to bring back the Minotaur.
Leda: I don't know why you go along
with him darling. He is only using you.
Pandora: And besides, he's such a wimp. Every time you call, he is hiding in that stupid vase.
Promethus: I do not know what you are complaining for, Herc. After the show, I have to go back to my rock and let that damn buzzard eat out
my liver, again.
Pandora: Bitch bitch bitch.
You think you have problems. You would not believe what Leda's swan
asked me to do last night.
Leda: I will have a word with you about that,
later, Pandora! Hush, everybody. Were
on. Herc, your hat is crooked.
Herc: Tanks, luv.
Moderator: Ladies and gentlemen, the moment we have all been
waiting for. Raquel, the envelope please.
Our fourth runner up, wearing that adorable deux piece he/she wore as the nine-months-pregnant mother in Junior, Ms./Mr.
Herc: Oh thank you, thank you. You
like me. You really like me.
Moderator: Our third runner up, wearing his/her smashing red
sequins dress from the Time magazine cover in Tootsie, Ms/Mr. Dustin Hoffman-Prometheus!
Prometheus: I am honored to be here. I will take this trophy back with me when I return to my rock. Might
come in handy in dealing with a certain bird who shall remain anonymous.
Moderator: Our second runner up, in comfortable-casual gray trainer and white sneakers also from the film,
Tootsie, Ms. Jessica Lang-Leda! You are
looking lovely today, my dear!
Leda-Lang: Thank you.
Thank you. I am happy to be here.
Only I miss Tootsie.
Prometheus: She is still here.
And, at this point in our relationship, there might be an advantage to your wearing pants.
Moderator: And now for the moment you have all been waiting for,
our winner and Most Beautiful Woman, its official, Ms. Britney Spears-Pandora!
(MUSIC BLARES. Britney-Pandora
dances onto center stage wearing her coca cola short- shorts and tank top, and singing!)
Herc, Leda, and Prometheus: Not now Pandora!
Moderator: Raquel, the box please.
Pandora: Why this is so exciting. I have never had a box before. Erm, have I? It's so pretty! Why look inside! The most adorable collection of little men and women. They
are so small. And small-minded, too. And
their faces are all squinched up as though they are thinking! Why it is Mr. G.W.
Bush, and Colin Powell, Condoleeza Rice, Saddam Hussein, Osama Bin Laden, Dick Cheney. They
are so cute! There they go. Bye!!
Moderator: Oh Gods of Olympus, help us!
Pandora: Don't worry.
There is still hope. There is one left in the box. Hello there, Mr. Gore.
Moderator: And now, a word from our sponsor. Omega. Have no limits.