Prometheus and Friends, Unbound
© Linda Lockett Eisele 2003
Moderator: Ladies and Gentlemen, we have come to the moment you have all been waiting for: the grand finale of the two thousand five hundred and sixty-third annual Most Beautiful Woman/Most Beautiful Clothes Contest. Our four finalists, Hercules in his/her current-day incarnation, Ms./Mr. Arnold Schwarzennegger, Prometheus in his/her incarnation, Dustin Hoffmann, your very own (and Zeus') modern-day Leda, a.k.a. Jessica Lang, and everybody's favorite Pandora, Britney Spears. In just a few moments, we will welcome on stage our four finalists, but before that, Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a special treat for you. Unbeknownst to our finalists, we have hidden a camera in their dressing room. We are going to take you backstage now and let you have a little peek. Shhh.
IN THE DRESSING ROOM
Hercules-Arni: You vould not believe vhat dat jerk King Eurystheus has asked me to do dis time.
Leda-Jessica: More hunting trips? I just love that Nemean Lion pelt you brought back from your first labor. Be a darling. Do sell it to me.
Herc: No way. It is impenetrable. And besides, it matches my eyes.
Prometheus-Dustin: So what does he want you to do?
Herc: Clean all the horseshit out of King Augeas stables.
Pandora-Britney: Egit. Housework.
Prometheus. Next thing you know, he will be asking you to bring back the Minotaur.
Leda: I don't know why you go along with him darling. He is only using you.
Pandora: And besides, he's such a wimp. Every time you call, he is hiding in that stupid vase.
Promethus: I do not know what you are complaining for, Herc. After the show, I have to go back to my rock and let that damn buzzard eat out my liver, again.
Pandora: Bitch bitch bitch. You think you have problems. You would not believe what Leda's swan asked me to do last night.
Leda: I will have a word with you about that, later, Pandora! Hush, everybody. Were on. Herc, your hat is crooked.
Herc: Tanks, luv.
Moderator: Ladies and gentlemen, the moment we have all been waiting for. Raquel, the envelope please. Our fourth runner up, wearing that adorable deux piece he/she wore as the nine-months-pregnant mother in Junior, Ms./Mr. Arnold Schwarzenegger-Hercules!
Herc: Oh thank you, thank you. You like me. You really like me.
Moderator: Our third runner up, wearing his/her smashing red sequins dress from the Time magazine cover in Tootsie, Ms/Mr. Dustin Hoffman-Prometheus!
Prometheus: I am honored to be here. I will take this trophy back with me when I return to my rock. Might come in handy in dealing with a certain bird who shall remain anonymous.
Moderator: Our second runner up, in comfortable-casual gray trainer and white sneakers also from the film, Tootsie, Ms. Jessica Lang-Leda! You are looking lovely today, my dear!
Leda-Lang: Thank you. Thank you. I am happy to be here. Only I miss Tootsie.
Prometheus: She is still here. And, at this point in our relationship, there might be an advantage to your wearing pants.
Moderator: And now for the moment you have all been waiting for, our winner and Most Beautiful Woman, its official, Ms. Britney Spears-Pandora!
(MUSIC BLARES. Britney-Pandora dances onto center stage wearing her coca cola short- shorts and tank top, and singing!)
Herc, Leda, and Prometheus: Not now Pandora!
Moderator: Raquel, the box please.
Pandora: Why this is so exciting. I have never had a box before. Erm, have I? It's so pretty! Why look inside! The most adorable collection of little men and women. They are so small. And small-minded, too. And their faces are all squinched up as though they are thinking! Why it is Mr. G.W. Bush, and Colin Powell, Condoleeza Rice, Saddam Hussein, Osama Bin Laden, Dick Cheney. They are so cute! There they go. Bye!!
Moderator: Oh Gods of Olympus, help us!
Pandora: Don't worry. There is still hope. There is one left in the box. Hello there, Mr. Gore.
Moderator: And now, a word from our sponsor. Omega. Have no limits.